Parenting "Perfectly" Realistic

When we buy a computer, it comes with a manual. When we get a new car, it tells us everything about it from how to turn on the lights to how often to change the oil. However, when we become parents, the single most life-altering event, there is no manual. We are pretty much left to figure it out as we go. We ask friends for advice, talk to our parents and these days turn to social media. The problem is that we get so many different responses that it feels even more confusing than when we went seeking help. I have waded through all of the bits of advice and summarized my personal take on how to still be a great parent even if your house is a mess or you send your kids to school without clean underwear!

Realistic ways to be a great parent

Tell your children you love them. It sounds simple, but the more your children hear ‘I love you’, the more they will listen to you and learn from you. Kids of all ages need reassurance that you love them, and younger children in particular need physical affection. Respect that teenagers might want to keep displays of affection private from their friends, but remember they still need to hear “I love you".

Do your best. Your children look to you as a role model and it is your responsibility to be the best role model they see. The old saying, “Do as I say, not as I do,” doesn’t work, especially with teenagers! Your children will do as you do, so make sure the things you “do” are what you want to see in your children.

Spend uninterrupted time with your children. It may not feel like it now, but the eighteen years you get with your kids go by quickly. Be intentional about spending time with your children. Your children may not always remember the day to day tasks, but they will always remember the special times and traditions well into adulthood.

Talk with your children. As a parent, you will need to have difficult conversations with your children. Your natural response may be to slip into lecture mode, or avoid the situation all together, which is often ineffective. Talk withyour children, not at them. Ask open-ended questions to gain their input. This will show your children you repect their input and they will grow confidence and independence.

Lighten up.Don’t take yourself too seriously. Stop trying to 'Keep up with the Joneses. Pinterest fails happen! Show your children that you put in the effort and are able to laugh at the mess. 

Celebrate every success.Children thrive when praised so acknowledge the good things your child does. All too often we respond the negative behaviour, but the more your praise good behaviour, the more your children will seek your attention through positive actions. 

Admit when you overreacted. Everyone loses their cool at some point. There is a book called ‘The Good Enough Parent'. It is a concept that even if you yell at your child and can't keep calm in the moment, later in the day, when both yourself and your child are calm take some time to talk to your child about the 'episode' and let them know that you were wrong to yell. Use it is a learning me=oment to talk about the actions leading to the yelling and discuss how the situation could be handled differently. 

Keep your promises. It is better to say I will try instead of Yes to your children. Don’t make promises you can’t keep, but also realize that life happens. There will be times when you cannot fulfill a promise you made to your children. What is most important in those moments is to sincerely apologize without making excuses. Modelling a proper apology will teach your child a valuable life skill.

Remember Discipline is not Punishment. It is important to build a positive connection with your children when disciplining. Instead of removing privileges, consider implementing positive actions for your child to complete. For example, if your child is dishonest, have your child write you and anyone else impacted by the dishonesty a letter of apology. By doing this, your child has to think about how his actions negatively affected others.

Eat at least one meal a day together. For my family, dinner time is the time we gather and talk about our day. We use this time to find about one anothers day, both the good and the bad. It allows for meaningful conversation and connectios to be formed. When everyone discusses one thing they did not like about their day, use the time to discuss how they can resolve the conflict or issue. Everyong should have equal time to speak and share their input.

Take a break! Self care is not selfish. In fact, it is just the opposite. As a parent we naturally want the best for our children. But it is impossible to pour from an empty cup! Just like the flight attendants say, put on our own mask before helping others. Take care of yourself. Find something each day, no matter how big or how small, that will put fill your cup. Every little bit helps!

Practice Self-Regulation. The research is clear, the benefits of positive thinking is one of the greatest contributors to improved health and well-being. When you choose to have a positive attitude, you’ll naturally take an optimistic approach to life which is contagious to others. Find ways to incorporate positivity into your day, such as a daily writing in a kindness journal, exercise, deep breathing and take a self-guided video course.

At Inventive Minds Child, Youth and Family Support Centre we are always here to support you every step in your parenting journey. Reach out to us HERE or check out our workshops and courses!

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Written by Dr. Jill Franks, PhD, Certified Health Coach