Helping Children Cope with Trauma of Co-Parenting, Separation and Divorce

Children are resilient but not immune to trauma of parental conflict. Separation and Divorce can sometimes be the beacon of hope for a struggling family who is constantly facing an unhappy and unhealthy environment. However, it becomes a bit complex when it comes to a family with children.

For young children, they might blame themselves for the parental conflict. Older children, however might have an understanding of what’s going on but it still doesn’t make them immune to the trauma of co-parenting, separation and divorce.

Effects of Parental Conflict on Children:

It is well known that a contested separation may take up to 24 – 36 months before it even reaches a trial. There are obvious downsides for this kind of long waiting which are:

• Large amounts of financial resources are spent in trying to win the legal battle.
• The longer the conflict drags on the more problematic it becomes for the parents and children involved.

For the children, that are caught up in between the long running conflict, this long running conflict may increase their:

• Anxiety levels
• Destroy their confidence
• May even affect their health due to ongoing stress in the environment around them.

The emotional effects of co-parenting, separation or divorce vary differently from family to family, but there are some similarities in every case:

For younger children, they might feel confused, scared and frustrated. They might not understand why they have to go between two different houses or what if their other parent stopped loving them someday altogether.

For grade schoolers, they might blame themselves for the co-parenting, separation or divorce. They may assume they did something wrong or misbehaved, so their parents had to go through the separation and divorce.

For teenagers, things get even more complicated as teens are going through an emotional phase in their lives and may become angry about the co-parenting, separation or divorce and changes it has brought in their lives. They might start resenting the parent they find to be guilty of destroying their family.

Of course, the circumstances of every family with children are different, but there are ways to help your children cope up with the trauma of co-parenting, separation or divorce. The best of them being Mediation.

How Mediation can help children in divorce:

The primary focus of mediation is always the best interest of the children. Mediation is an alternate solution to family court which is widely used by couples going through separation or divorce and in common-law relationship. It takes place in a more casual setting than a family court. A professionally trained mediator helps the parties involved in coming up with a mutually beneficial arrangement which suits not only the parents but the children as well. Things that might be discussed in such arrangements are:

• Parenting arrangements like where the children will go to school and where the children will live.
• How often will the other parent visit.
• Financial issues like child maintenance, paying for the home, asset separation and other miscellaneous payments.

Child closed inclusive mediation is the recommended route to go for the families with children who are going through a separation and divorce with adolescents and teens because:

• It gives the child the privacy to have their voices heard in a safe environment without the parent’s influence.
• Parents have the opportunity to hear the children’s voice in an unbiased arrangement to make the best decision for their children without their own conflicted feelings among one another.
• The mediator can hence help the parents involved listen and know their children’s views on their separation while keeping their mental health, physical health, needs and wants in clear sight to avoid any potential problems for the kids involved.

At Canada Family Mediation, our family mediators know how important it is to ensure that children are at the heart of a couple’s discussions. Our mediators encourage the parents to make decisions based on what is the most beneficial for their children.

Successful mediation can lay the groundwork for a family going through separation or divorce in preserving relationships that are important to you. Book a Free Consultation with us Today.

Other Ways to help your children cope with Parental Conflict, Separation and Divorce.

Parenting Courses:

Parenting courses are really convenient as it helps the separated co-parents come up with an effective communication system that helps the child develop more consistently among the two different households. It can be incredibly difficult for the child to accept the new reality of moving between two different houses, but with the right strategies, you can help your child cope up with the stress and navigate them through their difficult times.

To find the right parenting course for your family, visit here.

Listening to the Voice of the Child:

In general separation scenarios as well as high conflict scenarios, the voice of the child report can be evaluated with the help of the child voice assessor involved which can be used in court and mediation processes. This report helps providing crucial insight on the conflict between the both parents from the perspective of the child.

Listening to a child’s voice is really crucial as the decision to co-parent or divorce isn’t just going to affect you but also your children. Listening to how your child feels about the co-parenting, separation or divorce can greatly help you in coming up with strategies to help your child cope up with the stress and tailor your decisions accordingly.

Plan It Out:

Discuss it with your partner how you want to tell your children about the separation, it’s always best for both parents to do it together. Look for a good place and time to talk about it. Make sure to keep your child’s age in mind. Young ones don’t need to know as much details as the older ones might. They may ask more questions, but be honest about it.

Reassurance:

Reassure your children that your love for them hasn’t changed. Let them know that you will keep on caring for them and there will be many opportunities for them to spend time together with both parents moving forward.

Be Honest:

Be very clear with your children that they are in no way the cause of separation and divorce. Let them know that this is not something the children could have prevented, it was an adult thing and you needed it.

Stay involved:

It’s a no brainer that spending time with your loved ones make you feel needed and important. That’s what the kids need even more after the traumatic divorce or separation the family went through. Spend as much time as possible with your kids, stay involved in their lives, know what’s going on at their school and with their friends. Make time in your schedule to do fun activities with them.

Have control over your own emotions:

Having control over your own emotions is absolutely crucial when spending time with your child. Don’t say anything negative about your co-parent. This might make the child feel like they have to agree with you or take sides. Never alienate the other parent rather praise them of their good qualities if the topic comes up.

Allow Your Child to Express Their Feelings:

It is absolutely important to always listen to your children. Keeping the stress and anxiety from the co-parenting, separation or divorce holed up is going to make things worse for them. Encourage them to express how they are feeling about the divorce. Let them know that the divorce wasn’t their fault. It is completely normal to feel anger, resentment, depression and anxiety. These things gradually fade over time.

There are many ways of getting support to help you and your children in coping with the trauma of separation and divorce. It is okay to ask and reach out to your friends, family and community groups. Change always takes time. You just need to be patient and take care of your health so you can take care of your children.