Emotional Intelligence in Parenthood: Regulating your Feelings while Parenting

Being a parent to a young child is an emotionally charged journey. It encompasses the sheer joy of cuddling, nuzzling, playing, laughing, exploring, and celebrating your baby's daily growth and newfound discoveries. Yet, it also comes with its fair share of trials – those moments of stress, anger, frustration, and even resentment. These emotions often surface when you're baffled by your baby's cries or struggling to calm them, when you face the seemingly irrational demands of a toddler, or when an older child exhibits aggressive behavior toward a new sibling. These experiences naturally elicit powerful sentiments that can be challenging to navigate.

However, it is crucial to tune in to and manage these emotions because your reactions in these moments significantly influence your child's development. Your responses shape their ability to acquire effective coping skills and guide their future behavior. For instance, consider a toddler who's on the verge of a meltdown because you gave them a brown bear stuff toy instead of giving them their favorite white bear toy (as irrational as it may seem – such is life with a toddler). Responding with anger and frustration is likely to exacerbate the child's distress instead of helping him find solace and cope. Learning to regulate your reactions is one of the most pivotal ways to reduce your own, as well as your child's, distress. Moreover, it teaches children how to manage their emotions, a skill that enhances their performance in school and their ability to forge friendships and other relationships as they mature.

Mastering the art of handling intense, negative emotions is undoubtedly easier said than done. Nevertheless, it's a pursuit well worth undertaking, given the substantial dividends it pays, both for you and your child. Below, you'll find some valuable guiding principles and strategies:

1. Embrace Your Feelings: Remember that feelings themselves are neither right nor wrong. What truly matters is how you channel these emotions. The crucial step is to acknowledge and own your feelings, enabling you to make a deliberate choice – rather than a reflexive reaction – in responding effectively.
2. Context Matters: It's imperative to evaluate your child's behavior within the context of their development and temperament. Setting realistic expectations is pivotal, as how you interpret your child's actions profoundly affects how you manage your own emotions and responses. If you perceive a behavior as manipulative or deliberately hurtful (e.g., biting or hitting), you are more likely to respond in a way that escalates the situation, rather than diffuses it. Intense, angry reactions seldom serve as effective tools for teaching healthy coping skills. Conversely, if you view these behaviors through the lens of typical development, you can approach your child with empathy, greatly increasing the likelihood of a calm and constructive response.
3. You Can't Control Everything: It's essential to recognize that you cannot make your child do everything – eat, sleep, use the restroom, communicate, or cease having a tantrum. What you can control, however, is how you react to your child's actions. This control over your responses significantly shapes and guides their behavior. For instance, if throwing a tantrum leads to extra TV time, a later bedtime, or merely more of your attention (a primary goal for older siblings dealing with major rivalry), your toddler is quick to make a critical assessment: "Tantrums are effective! A successful strategy! Let's mark that as a win!”

Managing your own emotions helps you feel more in control and frees you to respond to even the most challenging behaviors calmly and effectively.

Conclusion

In parenthood, the ability to manage our own emotions is a powerful tool that benefits both parents and children alike. It is in our responses to the rollercoaster of emotions that parenthood brings that we shape the future of our little ones. By embracing our feelings, considering behavior in the context of a child's development and temperament, and understanding that our reactions guide our child's behavior, we can foster an environment of emotional growth and resilience. Remember, the journey of parenthood is not just about raising our children; it's also about raising ourselves as parents. Embracing this journey with empathy, patience, and self-awareness will undoubtedly lead to a more harmonious and fulfilling parenting experience for all.

To know more about how to regulate your feelings while parenting. You can join us for an upcoming Free Workshop on “Parenting outside the Box - How to Regulate Your Feelings While Parenting”         

Authored By:

Rose Morsh

RECE, Parenting Practitioner,

Family Mediator & Child Voice Practitioner