Managing Parenting Conflicts

As a parenting practitioner, educator and advocate of children, youth and families, I can comfortably say I have encountered many couples who really care for one another. Of course, that does not mean, at times, we disagree with our partner's techniques when it comes to parenting.

It's normal to experience conflicts with our partner. What matters is how we communicate to keep the love and serenity of our household intact. Having a healthy relationship means having the ability to express yourself in a non-judgmental way. It means being empathic to the other person's need or point of view, even if you have a different belief or method. It means being patient and taking time with your words. Words used out of context can create hurt feelings. 

It also means learning to reflect back on your own words and feelings to ensure they were not borne out of your assumptions at the time and are based on logic and facts. Our thought patterns often match our level of stress, which often clouds the reality of our circumstances. 

There are three things to consider when a parental disagreement comes along. I call it the three-processing order, and it involves assessing what happened before, during and after the conflict.

During these delicate times, it's normal for each person to feel overwhelmed and anxious. Many factors can affect your feelings and actions daily. For example, a lack of sleep or personal space, financial and safety concerns, among others, can be catalysts for conflict. 

Steps to use when a parental conflict arises:

• Take a break to avoid reacting immediately

• Reflect on what happened before, during and after

• Once you and your partner are in a clear state of mind, you can then address the concern. Avoid doing this in front of your children. Instead, find a private space to talk. Agree to use quiet tones without displaying physical anger or aggressive body language (for-example pointing fingers) 

• Always start with a positive note and mirror your partner's words in a kind gentle manner to ensure you don't misunderstand each other

• You can still validate your feelings by saying, "When you said 'X,' it hurt my feelings because I thought 'X.' Give your partner a chance to think about their response

• Don't expect an answer right away as he/she might also need time to validate what they should have done differently by looking at the same process

• Your words should be non-judgmental and without criticism

• Acknowledge your mistakes and explain the reason behind your actions 

• Work out a solution together as a couple/co-parents

Once you can communicate healthily, remember to respect each other's boundaries. This process can create a beautiful family dynamic as you learn to work together toward common goals.

Rose

This is a safe space for discussion. Your feelings are valid!

Rose Morsh is the founder of Inventive Minds Child, Youth and Family Support Centre Elementary Private School and Youth Mentorship Program. Her passion is building positive family relationships, especially between parents and their children.

She becomes an extension of the families in her care as they navigate parenthood from expectancy to the adolescence and teenage years. Having worked with thousands of families over her 20 year career as a Positive Parenting practitioner and early childhood educator, she draws from personal challenges as a parent to help families overcome obstacles to thrive.